A Call to Fight

A Call to Fight

In light of a recent article I read on the dark world of social media --  https://medium.com/@anastasiabasilcunningham/porn-is-not-the-worst-thing-on-musical-ly-5df07ab842af

I am reminded that we are in the midst of a great battle.  Too often, I forget this Truth.  I sit back and enjoy my comfortable life, and push back this nagging Word:

“Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”  1 Peter 5:8-9

But, as my oldest gets scarily close to those teenage years, things are getting real.  Boys, phones, and the beginning of seeing if any of those things I taught her the past 12 years have stuck!  What if they didn’t?  What if she gets taken?  What if she believes the lies?  What if she goes astray?

Ever had any of these thoughts?

So what’s the answer?  Do we just panic and give in to fear because we’re not in control?  Well, I hate to break it to you…but, we never were. 

Take a deep breath and REMEMBER THE GOD WE SERVE.  He is good and He is God of our children as well.  He will not abandon us.

Ephesians 6:10-18 discusses this battle we’re in and how we are to approach it.  Verse 10 begins, ”Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take a stand against the devil’s schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.“

He goes on to describe the armor of God and he finishes with this command in verse 18, ”And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.”

We come to this fight, not in fear, but in confidence, in strength, and in faith.  We know how this great war will end. 

“The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”  John 1:5 

Rejoice!  Because LIGHT WINS!  So we march boldly forward, putting on the armor He has given us, speaking the Truth loudly, and proclaiming to the darkness, “You will not win!”

Here’s a prayer to start praying boldly, in faith, over our families.  It is adapted from Psalms 139-144.  Stand firm, because our GOD is MIGHTY TO SAVE.

 

“O Lord, you have examined our hearts and know everything about us…You see each of us when we (go to work, school, etc.) and when we rest at home.  You know everything we do.  (Psalm 139:1-3)

Search each of us, O God, and know our hearts.  Test us and know our anxious thoughts.  Point out anything in us that offends you, and lead us along the path of everlasting life. (Psalm 139:23-24)

Rescue us from evil people O Sovereign Lord; protect us on the day of battle. (Psalm 140:1,7)

Do not let us drift toward evil. (Psalm 141:4)

Teach us to do your will, for you are our God.  May your gracious Spirit lead each of us forward on a firm footing.  (Psalm 143:10)

Praise you, Lord, for You are our Rock.  Train our hands for war and give our fingers skill for battle.   You are our loving ally and our fortress, our tower of safety, our rescuer.  You are our shield and we take refuge in you.  (Psalm 144:1-2)

May there be no enemy breaking through our walls—no going into captivity.  (Psalm 144:14)

In the MIGHTY NAME of JESUS,

Amen”

 

 

 

Something new

It's always a little strange to go back and read things I've written from different parts of my journey.  To remember.  To find time has gone on. 
To feel new in many ways.  Different.  Changed.  Healed.
Funny how that happens. 
When you are in the middle of grief or trauma, you struggle to see anything except loss.  Questions swirl.  Tears flow.  The body aches. 
Yet, if you know the Healer, His artful hand begins to work at once.  Amazing really.  And the more you know Him, the more you see it. 
And time keeps going.  And interestingly enough, you keep going, too. 


I told a young man the other day that his pain had become his message.  I encouraged him to allow God to infuse power into that message and "Go!  Don't shrink back!  Be brave!"


But I confess, I struggle with insecurity.  Maybe you do too.  Comparison is such a joy stealer.  You focus your eyes on the One who "has plans for you," (Jeremiah 29:11) and you feel peaceful and equipped...even special.  Oh but then, those eyes of yours look down from your once upward focus, and they start to look left and right.  Joy. Gone.  Am I right?  You start feeling less than.  UNspecial.  UNequipped.  And you stop.  Stop believing in the plan, the vision that He had given you.  And then that message--the one that came from all that pain and suffering?  Well, it never has the opportunity to birth anything new...in you...in others.  It loses power.  And the ashes never become beautiful.  Tragic really.


I want to tell myself what I told that young man.  And since you're here today, I'll just go ahead and tell you too:  Go!  Do what you were made to do!  There is only ONE YOU!  He has created you with a specific personality, granted you certain gifts, and allowed life experiences all so that you will be ready!  Will you do it?  Or will you question Him and the way He has equipped you?  Will you continue to compare and live in insecurity?  Or will you believe?  Believe that the "One who calls you is faithful and He will do it." (1 Thess. 5:24)


I firmly believe that God is able to do anything.  He could've changed certain things in your life...and mine.  But He didn't.  He allowed them.  Why?  For a greater purpose.  If we're honest, we know it's those hard times that really make us who we are.  They deepen us.  Challenge our thinking.  Give us passion.  Infuse us with fire.  And soften us with empathy.  This is where we find our story.  Where we reach out to help another on the same path.  We all long for the easier times (and believe me, rest is needed too!), but we know deep down, that we need the suffering...for growth.


We learn something in that wilderness.  Something we know we couldn't have learned anywhere else. 


The Lord our God is good.  He is always at work.  He is right in all that He does.  He is faithful. 
He is our REDEEMER.  He wastes nothing. 
But we can. 
We can choose to let our pain be wasted.
Or we can allow Him to do something new. 


"See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."  Isaiah 43:19


"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has passed away.  Behold, the new has come!"  2 Corinthians 5:17

Redeemer

I'd say I've been stuck.  As life continued to be hard and didn't let up, I dug myself a little pit of self-pity.  A couple of weeks ago, I could see I was settling in and getting real comfortable there.  Funny thing about pits, though.  They're not real comfortable.  It's an illusion.  You see, because sin woos us into thinking that it will feed all of our longings AND satisfy.  The reality is that you feed and feed and feed and never feel full.  Sin leaves you alone and wanting.  Jesus is the only one that satisfies.  By His grace, He's lifting my head up and out of the pit to see Truth.  And you know the funny thing about Truth?  It is often painful and yet, somehow, satisfies.  The feeding frenzy ceases and there is peace.  Is it comfortable?  Not really.  But peace in the midst of ANYTHING.

While my words may be less eloquent today, I share them to confess.  I have really struggled the last few months.  And even though I have failed and fallen countless times, my God is a Redeemer.  He has used anything and everything that I offer Him...as selfish and pitiful as it is...and He has begun a new work.

If it is ok, I want to share my journaling today.  It is a prayer to this Redeemer.  Vulnerable and personal, but possibly applicable and needed for another struggling soul out there.  I share today's post not to receive anything for myself, but to solely point anyone who will listen to the One who makes all things new and deserves infinite praise.

2/13/14
"O Lord, what a journey!  As I take a little time today to read over the guest sign in from the funeral and make a list of names for thank you cards, I am reminded of where we were, the journey, and now where we are.  Times of joy over my beautiful angel, times of deep sorrow just missing her, times of intense anger, times of great hope, times of hopelessness, times of peace, times of fear, times of service, times of selfishness and sin.  I'm still learning.  I'm seeing the depth of my own depravity, my great need for You, and the amazing revelation that you REDEEM all things for those who trust in You to do so.  You are the only one that can.  Yes, Redeemer is Your name!  Praise You, Father, that You redeem.  What a mess I would make without Your grace to cover all.  I feel peaceful today and I'm incredibly grateful for that.  I see there is room to step away to grieve and rest, but also much room to step in, grow and get busy with the work that still needs to be done.  There's a letting go process at work within me-mostly a letting go of trying to be perfect and trying to prove my worth to You and others.  I MUST FOLLOW YOU, REST IN YOU, AND FIND MY VALUE IN YOU ALONE.  I am desperate for You to not leave me unfinished.  There is much work for You to still do in me!  Thank You that the gospel tells me You HAVE SAVED ME, YOU ARE SAVING ME, AND YOU WILL YET SAVE ME!  Praise You for Your goodness and grace towards Your people-including me.  Thank You that Your Spirit comforts me by telling me, "There is more.  There is more to your story, Child.  Stay with Me.  We have work to do.  Oh, but trust Me!  The ending is good!" You are kind, God.  You are gracious, Father.  You are merciful, Lord.  You are patient, Redeemer.  You are mighty, Savior.  You are mine.  And I am Yours, Lover of My Soul.  You are the Lifter of My Head--my favorite name for You.
                                                                   Thank you.
                                                                   Grow in me more gratitude.
                                                                   In Jesus's Name,
                                                                   Amen."
                                                                 

An Introduction

When you have a baby that is still born, you don’t get a birth certificate….or a death certificate.  Nothing.  You get nothing.  I’ve been pondering this a lot lately and realizing that it has huge significance to me.  It’s as though she never existed, save in my own little world.  My journey with Caroline is hugely in my own little world.  A million thoughts pondered, a million feelings felt, a million lessons learned…but learned in the quiet of my talks with the Father.  A thousand kicks felt, a thousand smiles smiled...but, I realize that I am the only one who ever held her alive.  Bewildering.

Oh what joy she brought me!  I’ve never experienced pregnancy like how I experienced it with her.  This I am certain was a very real gift from the Lord.  Mind you, I’ve been pregnant 2 times prior to Caroline, and I can honestly say that I enjoyed their kicks and bumps, but I did not feel like I knew them.  I loved them, I carried them, but there was still a lack of really enjoying them as a person, as I did once they entered the world.  It’s weird, I know, and you may not even believe me, but I knew Caroline like that.  She was fun.  She was a bundle of energy that moved in me like a pinball shot in a pinball machine.  Never a dull moment.  I was always laughing with her.  There was a real relationship and I was grateful for it everyday that I had her.  

No time was wasted with her.  Every moment was sacred ground.  It's as though the Lord helped me revel in each moment with her,  knowing there would not be many of them.  

So you can imagine how bizarre it is to think that no one else knew her like that.  No one else felt her energy and her joy.  It creates an aloneness.  A great part of me that is unknown.  An immense part of my story that is unseen.  A real child that is invisible. 

So I write today to introduce Caroline to you.  From the well of my soul, my heart longs for the world to know that she did exist.  She was lovely.  And she lives on, chasing butterflies in that Wonderful Place. 

Caroline Elise Allen

September 28, 2012

1:37 pm

6 lbs., 9 oz.

 17 in.

deep blue eyes

light brown hair

a tine vertical dent on the tip of her nose

a little "kitty" tongue that stuck out just a bit

long fingernails

short little body

beautiful.

June 24, 2013

I sit here just wanting to write.  Wanting to share my heart...again.  Wanting to put a "tangibility" so to speak to my intangible inner thoughts and feelings.  But what do I say?

It has been almost 9 months since that Friday in September when things changed so drastically from what I thought would be.  It really is quite unbelieveable to me, actually, that I had Caroline, I lost her, and it's been 9 months.

Life is strange like that.  Almost like you can only really process what is right in front of you.  It is true that God gives His good grace in daily doses...only exactly the amount you will need for that specific day.  For I often remember back to that Friday morning and am truly in awe of the fact that I did that.  That I endured that pain.  That that actually happened to me.  Sometimes it feels like it is someone else's story that I am reading.  Someone else's journey and I can actually separate from myself for the moment and...well, marvel.

Marvel at what?  The story.  The pain.  The beauty.  The fingerprints of God.  Do you know that Caroline left us at a routine visit to my regular OBGYN's office?  Doesn't seem like an important tidbit except for the fact that almost never did Chad go to those appointments.  You see, I had so many doctor appointments, that Chad would go to the specialist visits and my mom would go to the normal visits...or I even went alone occasionally. Yet he was with me that day. And did you know that our sweet friend Gina came to take pictures of us with Caroline before we said goodbye?  Gina has little ones and very easily could've not answered the phone that day from a strange number or could've not been able to get a sitter or could've gotten the message too late since we had a small time window.  Oh, but none of that happened.  No.  She was there, she answered, and she came immediately.  Little things add up.  You can't deny the sweet touch of Someone at work.  Now many would think..."if He loves you so much, why did He do that?  Why did He take her?"  But, God didn't "snatch" her.  God didn't "need another angel".  God didn't make her die.  Death was not God's idea and He sure isn't happy with it.  You see, God received her.  Because He loves her.  Death is an enemy.  Death came when the first people sinned.  But redemption came with God through Christ.  His love overcame the big mess up.  Caroline was received and welcomed into a place of no pain, no sadness, no fear, and no death.  Caroline is loved, not just by me, but by her Father.  But why did he let me get hurt in the process?  Well, there is indeed pain here on earth.  But what I have seen and believe is that none of it is wasted with God.  He doesn't allow it to be for nought if you love and trust Him.  He uses it all.  He uses it for His glory, my good, and others' good.  It is a mystery for sure and definitely a miracle.

These are things I ponder on a regular basis. I'm still learning a lot.  Still hurting.  Still longing for my baby.  But God moves me as I let him, through different stages of knowing, understanding, growing, changing.  He has restored hope within me, which is a powerful little thing.  Hope keeps our spirits alive.  Faith keeps us standing, but hope keeps us breathing.  Without it we are desperate.   I am thankful for Caroline.  Thankful for her life within me for 9 months.  Thankful for the lessons I learned from carrying her.  Thankful for the joy she continues to bring me as I imagine her chasing little butterflies in Heaven with our Lord.  I can't wait to see all that she is seeing.  Praise God for hope.

Thank you for allowing me to share, yet again.  I'll save more for another time.
Thank you for your grace toward me as I heal this year.  Thank you for somehow understanding.  You have been an amazing group of friends and family. You truly have taught me how to walk with others in their own deserts.  May I be an oasis to them as you have been to me.

God bless you,
Amy

February 4, 2013

Good Morning Everyone!

I wanted to make you aware of the annual Rise and Shine 5K Walk/Run benefiting the Rise School of Corpus Christi.  As you all know, our little Caroline would have gone to school at the Rise School and so it is our desire to continue to support them in any way that we can.  If you are interested in joining us, follow the link to register!  See you there!

http://www.riseschool.org/corpuschristi/?page_id=39

November 23, 2012

Dear All,

It seems like so long since I have written you.  So much has happened, so much has changed, so much has been learned...

It still is difficult to put words to all that I have experienced, whether in the flesh or just in my heart and spirit.  So many thoughts I have processed, trying to understand all that is.

Grief is an interesting and difficult journey, full of sharp turns, rises and falls.  No predictability...no reasoning your way through it.  It just is.  My dear friend says, "Grief is hard work, but you have to do your work."  I agree wholeheartedly with this statement.  And for those of you that are concerned about me...rest assured that I am doing my work.  There's no way to describe that work when you are asked, "Are you doing ok?"  For truly, to say that I'm improving or that there are good days or even that I'm making progress feels painful...like somehow I am leaving Caroline behind.  And so, I just answer,"I'm doing my work."

I am grateful to the Lord for showing me faithfully so many glimpses of purpose in all of this.  I am seeing how the Lord has given her life ultimate purpose in His kingdom...to bring Him glory in all of her days.  She didn't have as many days as the rest of us, but she has surely brought Him glory in the days that she did have.  I believe the Father has indeed told her, "You did good, sweet baby."

I want to take this time to sincerely thank all of you who have diligently prayed for us, hugged us, sent cards or memorial items, purchased books on our behalf, and brought meals to us.  I have never experienced the Body of Christ quite like this.  I am so grateful for all of you being so willing to be His Hands and Feet.  Someone told me while I was in the hospital to rest in the comfort of our Lord, but then continued by saying to also rest in the comfort of the people He was sending us. Indeed it was so comforting to know that not only does He comfort us, which is real, but oh so invisible...He sends His help in very visible forms too.  It's amazing to me that even now I am still receiving cards from people...some that I don't even know.  Furthermore, last week was my last week receiving meals...that's 24 weeks of meals!!!!  Unbelievable!  I cannot even begin to tell you how much they blessed us!  In times like this, it is just so difficult to even think of a grocery list, let alone go to the store and come home with meals that make sense!  Then you have to actually cook them!  Ha!

In addition, I'd like to thank all of you who diligently text and call, checking on me.  I am so grateful for your grace toward me in understanding when I don't call back or I'm not up to meeting.  You have not given up on me and your continued notes of encouragement are exactly like the Lord's arms around me and His voice saying, "It's going to be ok".  Thank you.  It makes a difference.

I mostly just wanted to just share with you the importance of what you are doing and have done.  If I have learned anything, I've definitely seen that there is much suffering in this world.  As I look around feeling like people all around me don't know what I've been through, the Lord immediately reminds me that I don't know what they're going through either.  People's lives are sacred ground.  We tend to be so quick to judge others...how they should be, or how they should act...truth is we don't know the intricacies of their lives that make them who they are.  This is what makes God's grace so remarkable.  He knows us, all of our failures, all of our disappointing choices, all of our pain...and He so kindly, so fully, so amazingly loves us.  It is a lesson to us to show grace to one another, knowing that we don't fully know eachother's "stuff".

Thank you for showing love, kindness, patience, and just pure goodness towards me and my family.  We love you all.

Happy Thanksgiving,
Amy