June 24, 2013

I sit here just wanting to write.  Wanting to share my heart...again.  Wanting to put a "tangibility" so to speak to my intangible inner thoughts and feelings.  But what do I say?

It has been almost 9 months since that Friday in September when things changed so drastically from what I thought would be.  It really is quite unbelieveable to me, actually, that I had Caroline, I lost her, and it's been 9 months.

Life is strange like that.  Almost like you can only really process what is right in front of you.  It is true that God gives His good grace in daily doses...only exactly the amount you will need for that specific day.  For I often remember back to that Friday morning and am truly in awe of the fact that I did that.  That I endured that pain.  That that actually happened to me.  Sometimes it feels like it is someone else's story that I am reading.  Someone else's journey and I can actually separate from myself for the moment and...well, marvel.

Marvel at what?  The story.  The pain.  The beauty.  The fingerprints of God.  Do you know that Caroline left us at a routine visit to my regular OBGYN's office?  Doesn't seem like an important tidbit except for the fact that almost never did Chad go to those appointments.  You see, I had so many doctor appointments, that Chad would go to the specialist visits and my mom would go to the normal visits...or I even went alone occasionally. Yet he was with me that day. And did you know that our sweet friend Gina came to take pictures of us with Caroline before we said goodbye?  Gina has little ones and very easily could've not answered the phone that day from a strange number or could've not been able to get a sitter or could've gotten the message too late since we had a small time window.  Oh, but none of that happened.  No.  She was there, she answered, and she came immediately.  Little things add up.  You can't deny the sweet touch of Someone at work.  Now many would think..."if He loves you so much, why did He do that?  Why did He take her?"  But, God didn't "snatch" her.  God didn't "need another angel".  God didn't make her die.  Death was not God's idea and He sure isn't happy with it.  You see, God received her.  Because He loves her.  Death is an enemy.  Death came when the first people sinned.  But redemption came with God through Christ.  His love overcame the big mess up.  Caroline was received and welcomed into a place of no pain, no sadness, no fear, and no death.  Caroline is loved, not just by me, but by her Father.  But why did he let me get hurt in the process?  Well, there is indeed pain here on earth.  But what I have seen and believe is that none of it is wasted with God.  He doesn't allow it to be for nought if you love and trust Him.  He uses it all.  He uses it for His glory, my good, and others' good.  It is a mystery for sure and definitely a miracle.

These are things I ponder on a regular basis. I'm still learning a lot.  Still hurting.  Still longing for my baby.  But God moves me as I let him, through different stages of knowing, understanding, growing, changing.  He has restored hope within me, which is a powerful little thing.  Hope keeps our spirits alive.  Faith keeps us standing, but hope keeps us breathing.  Without it we are desperate.   I am thankful for Caroline.  Thankful for her life within me for 9 months.  Thankful for the lessons I learned from carrying her.  Thankful for the joy she continues to bring me as I imagine her chasing little butterflies in Heaven with our Lord.  I can't wait to see all that she is seeing.  Praise God for hope.

Thank you for allowing me to share, yet again.  I'll save more for another time.
Thank you for your grace toward me as I heal this year.  Thank you for somehow understanding.  You have been an amazing group of friends and family. You truly have taught me how to walk with others in their own deserts.  May I be an oasis to them as you have been to me.

God bless you,
Amy