An Introduction

When you have a baby that is still born, you don’t get a birth certificate….or a death certificate.  Nothing.  You get nothing.  I’ve been pondering this a lot lately and realizing that it has huge significance to me.  It’s as though she never existed, save in my own little world.  My journey with Caroline is hugely in my own little world.  A million thoughts pondered, a million feelings felt, a million lessons learned…but learned in the quiet of my talks with the Father.  A thousand kicks felt, a thousand smiles smiled...but, I realize that I am the only one who ever held her alive.  Bewildering.

Oh what joy she brought me!  I’ve never experienced pregnancy like how I experienced it with her.  This I am certain was a very real gift from the Lord.  Mind you, I’ve been pregnant 2 times prior to Caroline, and I can honestly say that I enjoyed their kicks and bumps, but I did not feel like I knew them.  I loved them, I carried them, but there was still a lack of really enjoying them as a person, as I did once they entered the world.  It’s weird, I know, and you may not even believe me, but I knew Caroline like that.  She was fun.  She was a bundle of energy that moved in me like a pinball shot in a pinball machine.  Never a dull moment.  I was always laughing with her.  There was a real relationship and I was grateful for it everyday that I had her.  

No time was wasted with her.  Every moment was sacred ground.  It's as though the Lord helped me revel in each moment with her,  knowing there would not be many of them.  

So you can imagine how bizarre it is to think that no one else knew her like that.  No one else felt her energy and her joy.  It creates an aloneness.  A great part of me that is unknown.  An immense part of my story that is unseen.  A real child that is invisible. 

So I write today to introduce Caroline to you.  From the well of my soul, my heart longs for the world to know that she did exist.  She was lovely.  And she lives on, chasing butterflies in that Wonderful Place. 

Caroline Elise Allen

September 28, 2012

1:37 pm

6 lbs., 9 oz.

 17 in.

deep blue eyes

light brown hair

a tine vertical dent on the tip of her nose

a little "kitty" tongue that stuck out just a bit

long fingernails

short little body

beautiful.

June 24, 2013

I sit here just wanting to write.  Wanting to share my heart...again.  Wanting to put a "tangibility" so to speak to my intangible inner thoughts and feelings.  But what do I say?

It has been almost 9 months since that Friday in September when things changed so drastically from what I thought would be.  It really is quite unbelieveable to me, actually, that I had Caroline, I lost her, and it's been 9 months.

Life is strange like that.  Almost like you can only really process what is right in front of you.  It is true that God gives His good grace in daily doses...only exactly the amount you will need for that specific day.  For I often remember back to that Friday morning and am truly in awe of the fact that I did that.  That I endured that pain.  That that actually happened to me.  Sometimes it feels like it is someone else's story that I am reading.  Someone else's journey and I can actually separate from myself for the moment and...well, marvel.

Marvel at what?  The story.  The pain.  The beauty.  The fingerprints of God.  Do you know that Caroline left us at a routine visit to my regular OBGYN's office?  Doesn't seem like an important tidbit except for the fact that almost never did Chad go to those appointments.  You see, I had so many doctor appointments, that Chad would go to the specialist visits and my mom would go to the normal visits...or I even went alone occasionally. Yet he was with me that day. And did you know that our sweet friend Gina came to take pictures of us with Caroline before we said goodbye?  Gina has little ones and very easily could've not answered the phone that day from a strange number or could've not been able to get a sitter or could've gotten the message too late since we had a small time window.  Oh, but none of that happened.  No.  She was there, she answered, and she came immediately.  Little things add up.  You can't deny the sweet touch of Someone at work.  Now many would think..."if He loves you so much, why did He do that?  Why did He take her?"  But, God didn't "snatch" her.  God didn't "need another angel".  God didn't make her die.  Death was not God's idea and He sure isn't happy with it.  You see, God received her.  Because He loves her.  Death is an enemy.  Death came when the first people sinned.  But redemption came with God through Christ.  His love overcame the big mess up.  Caroline was received and welcomed into a place of no pain, no sadness, no fear, and no death.  Caroline is loved, not just by me, but by her Father.  But why did he let me get hurt in the process?  Well, there is indeed pain here on earth.  But what I have seen and believe is that none of it is wasted with God.  He doesn't allow it to be for nought if you love and trust Him.  He uses it all.  He uses it for His glory, my good, and others' good.  It is a mystery for sure and definitely a miracle.

These are things I ponder on a regular basis. I'm still learning a lot.  Still hurting.  Still longing for my baby.  But God moves me as I let him, through different stages of knowing, understanding, growing, changing.  He has restored hope within me, which is a powerful little thing.  Hope keeps our spirits alive.  Faith keeps us standing, but hope keeps us breathing.  Without it we are desperate.   I am thankful for Caroline.  Thankful for her life within me for 9 months.  Thankful for the lessons I learned from carrying her.  Thankful for the joy she continues to bring me as I imagine her chasing little butterflies in Heaven with our Lord.  I can't wait to see all that she is seeing.  Praise God for hope.

Thank you for allowing me to share, yet again.  I'll save more for another time.
Thank you for your grace toward me as I heal this year.  Thank you for somehow understanding.  You have been an amazing group of friends and family. You truly have taught me how to walk with others in their own deserts.  May I be an oasis to them as you have been to me.

God bless you,
Amy

February 4, 2013

Good Morning Everyone!

I wanted to make you aware of the annual Rise and Shine 5K Walk/Run benefiting the Rise School of Corpus Christi.  As you all know, our little Caroline would have gone to school at the Rise School and so it is our desire to continue to support them in any way that we can.  If you are interested in joining us, follow the link to register!  See you there!

http://www.riseschool.org/corpuschristi/?page_id=39

November 23, 2012

Dear All,

It seems like so long since I have written you.  So much has happened, so much has changed, so much has been learned...

It still is difficult to put words to all that I have experienced, whether in the flesh or just in my heart and spirit.  So many thoughts I have processed, trying to understand all that is.

Grief is an interesting and difficult journey, full of sharp turns, rises and falls.  No predictability...no reasoning your way through it.  It just is.  My dear friend says, "Grief is hard work, but you have to do your work."  I agree wholeheartedly with this statement.  And for those of you that are concerned about me...rest assured that I am doing my work.  There's no way to describe that work when you are asked, "Are you doing ok?"  For truly, to say that I'm improving or that there are good days or even that I'm making progress feels painful...like somehow I am leaving Caroline behind.  And so, I just answer,"I'm doing my work."

I am grateful to the Lord for showing me faithfully so many glimpses of purpose in all of this.  I am seeing how the Lord has given her life ultimate purpose in His kingdom...to bring Him glory in all of her days.  She didn't have as many days as the rest of us, but she has surely brought Him glory in the days that she did have.  I believe the Father has indeed told her, "You did good, sweet baby."

I want to take this time to sincerely thank all of you who have diligently prayed for us, hugged us, sent cards or memorial items, purchased books on our behalf, and brought meals to us.  I have never experienced the Body of Christ quite like this.  I am so grateful for all of you being so willing to be His Hands and Feet.  Someone told me while I was in the hospital to rest in the comfort of our Lord, but then continued by saying to also rest in the comfort of the people He was sending us. Indeed it was so comforting to know that not only does He comfort us, which is real, but oh so invisible...He sends His help in very visible forms too.  It's amazing to me that even now I am still receiving cards from people...some that I don't even know.  Furthermore, last week was my last week receiving meals...that's 24 weeks of meals!!!!  Unbelievable!  I cannot even begin to tell you how much they blessed us!  In times like this, it is just so difficult to even think of a grocery list, let alone go to the store and come home with meals that make sense!  Then you have to actually cook them!  Ha!

In addition, I'd like to thank all of you who diligently text and call, checking on me.  I am so grateful for your grace toward me in understanding when I don't call back or I'm not up to meeting.  You have not given up on me and your continued notes of encouragement are exactly like the Lord's arms around me and His voice saying, "It's going to be ok".  Thank you.  It makes a difference.

I mostly just wanted to just share with you the importance of what you are doing and have done.  If I have learned anything, I've definitely seen that there is much suffering in this world.  As I look around feeling like people all around me don't know what I've been through, the Lord immediately reminds me that I don't know what they're going through either.  People's lives are sacred ground.  We tend to be so quick to judge others...how they should be, or how they should act...truth is we don't know the intricacies of their lives that make them who they are.  This is what makes God's grace so remarkable.  He knows us, all of our failures, all of our disappointing choices, all of our pain...and He so kindly, so fully, so amazingly loves us.  It is a lesson to us to show grace to one another, knowing that we don't fully know eachother's "stuff".

Thank you for showing love, kindness, patience, and just pure goodness towards me and my family.  We love you all.

Happy Thanksgiving,
Amy

October 16, 2012

Dear All,
I find myself with so much to say and yet the pain is still so fresh that the expression of those feelings must wait for a later time.  I pray one day, I can share my story, my thoughts,and all that I have learned with you all.  For now, I must say that I miss my little girl so terribly much.  The Father is good and He is guiding me through this time of grieving, showing me each day, each moment, what to do.  However, as my friend says, "Grieving is hard work."  Indeed.  In place of my own words, I offer you the words of our pastor.  I am attaching the eulogy from Caroline's funeral for those of you that weren't able to come and would like to read it.
Please continue to pray for us.  Although we can fake it and appear just fine, know that our hearts are broken and must be healed by the Father...a process that takes much time.
Love to you all,
Amy

October 6, 2012 - Caroline's Eulogy

10.06.12 – Caroline Elise Allen Funeral

This morning we are here – looking back on a journey that began at the beginning of the year when Chad and Amy Allen found out they were pregnant.  For many of us – that journey was shared when they sent out an e-mail in early May…announcing that they were having their third daughter…and it was also on that day that we learned her name:  Sweet Caroline.

Two weeks later – Amy sent out another email that confirmed Caroline would be born with Downs Syndrome…and over the past many months – they kept us updated on her progress…through texts, conversations and emails…This week I went back and read through those e-mails that culminated with the one they sent out a week ago.

Amy wrote:  The morning took on a life of it's own that was nothing we had planned.  Amidst dark sonogram rooms, empty hospital halls, quiet prep rooms, I was in complete awe of how quickly our little worlds can change.  One minute we are planning, the next we are empty handed and completely confused.  Caroline left us this day...so quietly.

But what struck me as I re-read the e-mails - was not the ever-changing circumstances over the past many months - from joy to uncertainty – from fear to hope – from resilience to grief - that was peppered throughout their correspondence…

No – what struck me was the thread that was ever present – it was the honest and truthful confession that the Allen’s made throughout these last many tumultuous months.  It was the faithfulness that was displayed – that obviously anchored this family – as they were being tossed back to and fro.

Let me share – a little bit - some of what was written:

From an E-mail back in May:  Based on the test results and all information that we have gathered to this point, it is 99% positive that Caroline has Downs Syndrome.  Is God big enough to change this outcome?  Of course!  God can and may do whatever He pleases!  If He chooses to surprise us in October with no Downs, praise Him!  But, if He chooses not to?  WE WILL PRAISE HIM!

In another e-mail:  When I found out I was pregnant, I was overcome with joy!  Whatever He chooses--whether to give us a child or not, whether it would have a special need or not--I will trust Him.

She goes on:  I tell you all of this for many reasons, but one is to share with you the meaning of this sweet unborn child's name.  From this journey of song and Scripture, the Lord led me to the meaning of the name Caroline...song of joy.   She is our song of joy…

And really Joy is the perfect name for this child.  And I say that because the joy that the Allen’s wrote about and talked about and lived – is an authentic expression of what they have experienced.  But the experience I am referring to is an experience that can only occur in Christ.

To understand what it means to have authentic joy the first thing you must understand is that authentic joy is part of the essence of what it means to be a Christian.

In the Gospel of John chapter 16 Jesus tells us:  Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy

This is a fact – what we are being told by Jesus is this:  if you've met Christ you will rejoice and its not a joy that can be taken from you.  Nor is it a joy that is ultimately dictated by circumstances – simply because it’s a joy that will not pass away.

And the reason why Christians possess a joy that cannot be taken from away is that authentic joy is a Characteristic of Jesus himself.

Jesus testifies of himself in John 16:  30 I was filled with delight day after day…rejoicing in his whole world and delighting in mankind.

Now the word in the Scripture that we translate into the English as “delight” is a word that actually means to frolic – to jump up and down and to clap hands…

Jesus frolicking?  That doesn't seem very dignified – but it is - because the joy He has and gives to us is a holy and majestic joy…

And the point in telling you this is that nobody who really knows God is without that kind of joy.  But – this authentic joy that comes from knowing Christ – its not a joy apart from sorrow.

To often people make the mistake of thinking that the opposite of Joy is sorrow.  That to have the kind of joy described by Christ - is a joy void of sorrow and suffering.  That is a false understanding.

There is this misconception that when we turn to God - somehow sufferings and sorrow will go away…but here me on this - there is nothing in Scripture that gives us a promise of that…As a matter-of-fact – in many respects - to be like Christ is to live a life of suffering…And so the opposite of joy is not sorrow.

In fact scripture tells us that The opposite of joy is hopelessness.

Paul writes about this in his letter to the Thessalonians.  I Thess. 4:13 - 13 Brothers, we do not want you to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.

Now some take that to mean that Paul is saying – well Christian - you shouldn't grieve - because you now have hope!  But that's false.
He's saying Christians have a different kind of grief…Christians rub their grief into their joy – their grief is enveloped by their joy…and why?  Because of their hope in Christ.

You see there is a joy that does come whenever we get things that we really think will make our lives great...there is an immediate joy that comes when we get what we think we want…And its different for everyone…

But it’s a joy that doesn't last - it’s a joy that because it passes - its not authentic - by definition it’s a joy that is counterfeit…

Authentic Joy is the result that can only come with the assurance of salvation in Christ…and the assurance of your salvation comes not by your good deeds but by grace alone.

The Allen’s displayed this kind of authentic joy in the midst of their own suffering…listen again to their testimony.  Amy wrote:

I began to have dreams/nightmares that would keep me up at night…And so I again began to wrestle with God about my fears.  When the first test result for Downs came back abnormal, I grieved...I trusted, but I grieved.  When the second test came back abnormal, I grieved more.  But through all of this…I felt strongly God's presence and His peace.

My grieving did not for one minute lead to doubt in the goodness of my God.  I knew without a doubt that He is good and I can trust Him to do what was right.  My grieving was really a letting go of what I held as my picture of who my child would be.

The Lord has covered me in His peace and lifted my heart to a place of joy…The Truth is that God has been so good to me.  In the midst of all of this, when my words were so few, He gave me songs to connect with Him.  One of them is "So, so good to me" that we sing at church often.  These are the lyrics:

I waited patiently upon the Lord / And He inclined and heard my cry / He pulled me up out of the miry clay / He set my feet upon the Rock / He gave me beauty for ashes and joy for my mourning / And praise for heaviness / He put a new song in my mouth and a crown upon my head/ He gave me life forevermore

Do you hear that?  Beauty for ashes / joy for mourning / praise for heaviness…its not beauty in spite of ashes or joy in spite of mourning / or praise in spite of heaviness.

The Allen’s declared that through their own season of suffering (not in spite of it):  that God had authentic praise with a New Song that He gave them:  They began to claim Psalm 40 verse 3:   He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. (Psalm 40:3)

Do you hear the joy that envelopes the sorrow?
Now for a lot of you – you've witnessed the Allen’s lives – you've heard their words - but you look at yourself – and you think – there’s no way – I could do that.  How is it possible to lose a child and still have that confession?  

Anyone who knows me – knows the answer to that question – Look to the Cross.  Here we see not only what Jesus had to do – think about that – we are so sinful that it took nothing less than God’s own son to die for our sins…but we also see what Jesus wanted to do.  He loves you so much and delights in you so much – he frolics at the very mention of your name…that he was willing to die for you.

And this is what separates Christianity from all other religions.  You see no religion or philosophy can fully answer – why does this happen?  But rather then giving us an airtight answer – God did something better – he gave us an airtight person.

We worship the only God who can look upon a family who has lost a child – and say I get it.  Me too…

Oh yeah – well if God is so good – he would look upon this tragedy and his heart would break…look at the Cross – his heart did break – for you.

Only when we embrace the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ (and to the degree that we embrace the death and resurrection of Christ) – will we experience a joy like no other – and even as we go through terrible suffering – we will have a peace and joy that can never be taken away.

So where do we go from here?  For Caroline – her race was over before it started.  But it’s not the end for her – in Christ - its just the beginning…

But now what about you?  Do you have a new song to sing?  A joy that can never be taken away?  As we close – let me offer a final thought from one of Amy’s emails.  This is what she wrote:

From here, the journey is unknown.  But isn't it always?  It's all a walk of faith.  Whether your child has Downs Syndrome or not, we trust Christ…because the one who calls you is faithful, and He will do it.

She concludes by writing:  I am grateful that He knows what is best, for I wouldn't have chosen this.  I am so humbly grateful that instead of leaving us in a place of comfort-seeking, He is challenging us to see life in a new way...to see blessings in a new way.  Refinement is good...hard, but good.  We want His refinement.  I don't want to live for me, myself, and I.  I want whatever He has planned…because it is better. This I know.

Let us pray.

October 2, 2012

To All...

What do I say?  It is so hard to come up with words to describe this time.

Friday morning, I had a regular OBGYN appointment and sonogram scheduled.  Chad and I got up like normal, got ready to see Caroline's face on sonogram like a million times before, took pictures of the belly and left for the hospital.  This particular day, we were planning on begging the Dr. to take her early!  We were so ready to get our little girl here!

The morning took on a life of it's own that was nothing we had planned.  Amidst dark sonogram rooms, empty hospital halls, quiet prep rooms, I was in complete awe of how quickly our little worlds can change.  One minute we are planning, the next we are empty handed and completely confused.

Caroline left us that day...so quietly.

The memories I now have of all that happened feel so unbelievable.

We will be gathering for a funeral service at City Church, 4425 S. Staples, on Saturday, October 6 at 10am, with Graveside Service following at Seaside Memorial Park.  Some have asked, and therefore, I want to inform you that while flowers for the funeral are perfectly acceptable, we are also making donations in Caroline's name to The Rise School of Corpus Christi's Scholarship Fund.
To view tribute, please visit www.seasidefuneral.com
Thank you for all of the love and support you have shown us throughout the pregnancy and even now.  We love you all and are grateful more than words can say.

Much love,
Amy

September 13, 2012

Hello again!

So, what I am learning these days is that I really don't know anything.  Sure, I try to get a handle on my reality, so to speak, so that I feel somewhat in control.  I try to make plans and fill in my calendar as though I know what will be.  The truth is, I know nothing.

As life around me moves along, with friends and family struggling in all sorts of ways, I am reminded that I am not the only one with difficulties.  My grandfather waits to see the Lord any day, my friends watch their so small son fight for his life, friends as close as sisters trying desperately to have a baby.  Life is hard.  Although extremely painful to watch, I am grateful for theses reminders that my situation could be worse.  Perspective is a powerful thing.    So as I lay on bedrest, instead of being self-consumed, these reminders that enable me to get out of my own head, my own world, and pray for others.  I am learning that I don't even know often how to pray.  So, instead of listing out for God what He should do, I pray for God's provision.  For others and myself, it is only God's provision that we need.  We don't truly know what we need, but He does.

I am humbled by all of those that have sacrificed in order to help me.  Thank you.  I pray that I will have opportunities to serve you as you have served me.

So as I take a deep breath in and release in a "selah" type fashion, pondering all that is, I am reminded of God's faithfulness.  I told someone recently who commented on my faith, "It's really all I have."  What I meant was that this life is a jumble of emotions and events, and yet faith in the Father is what makes it all ok.  He makes it better than ok.  Romans 8:28 says," And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." It amazes me, but it is true, that He can use all that we endure and create masterpieces of purpose if we allow Him to. I've seen it and I've lived it.

Having said all of that, you're probably wondering why I'm even writing today!  Forgive me for the prologue!

I felt the need to touch base to let you all know how little Caroline is doing.  Many of you have written and asked, so here it is.
Since the last time I wrote, there have been at least a dozen more Dr's appointments.  Some with specialists and others not.  They often disagree on what they see.  And so I'm learning to trust in God's plan instead of trying to make my own!  Hence the prologue of "I know nothing."  The latest however, had good news and possible difficult news wrapped in one.  Praise God, the cardiologists could find no evidence of the heart defects that he saw last month!  Wow!  Talk about a good surprise!  However, he is now concerned about her aorta.  It is not something that can be fully seen and diagnosed by sonogram, so she will have more tests when she is born.

I am still on moderate bedrest (just trying to limit standing and walking) in order to cut down the amount of contractions and keep Caroline in her spot for as long as possible.  I am 35 weeks now and hoping to get her all the way to 39 weeks!

So, what we know is that her arrival date is up in the air.  When she comes, she will have plenty of tests to determine her exact heart and digestive problems.  Based on how early she comes and what those tests conclude will determine the next steps.  She definitely will have an intestinal surgery and if the heart situation proves itself true, then she will have heart surgery as well.

And thus, we wait and see!  I love how God works and that I don't know how He works at all!  It's scary and yet comforting all at the same time. I don't know my future, but He does...AND He's not scared...He's not surprised...He knows exactly what to do.  All of life is faith, this I know.

I pray you and yours are well.  I love you all so much and am honored to be your friend, daughter, wife, sister and whatever other role I may have.  Thank you for being a part of this journey.

Trusting it all to Him,
Amy

PS--If this email took you off guard, then you are new to the list!  Scroll down to the bottom and read your way up for the whole story.

August 16, 2012

Hello All!

After meeting with the pediatric cardiologist this week, we found out some new information regarding Caroline's heart.  She does appear to have some ventricular septal defects, which we thought she would not have.  This means there are holes in the septal wall which separates the right and left chambers of the heart.  The good news is that this is not an emergency!  It is another thing to keep an eye on, though.  Please pray that the holes be small enough to close on their own.  If the holes are larger, they could possibly cause her to have a hard time thriving.  If that occurs, she may require surgery.  On a good note, there is a great possiblity of no surgery, but even if surgery is necessary, it is very successful.

In addition, my doctor has decided to go ahead and administer a steroid shot at 32 weeks to help develop Caroline's lungs in preparation for preterm labor.  I am currently 31 weeks, so it is quickly becoming apparent that this sweet baby truly could come at anytime!  Of course only God knows when she will make her appearance, but in order to not be shocked, I am expecting her in September.

Please continue to pray for her little body to be fully developed when she arrives, so as not to further complicate her situation.  Pray for me as I have increasingly grown very exhausted, both physically and emotionally. However, praise God that with school beginning this week, I have been able to rest and am feeling stronger.  I am grateful for family and friends that continue to provide us with support and encouragement.  I am EXTREMELY grateful for a husband that bends over backwards to selflessly help me in any way.  

Thank you for your prayers!
Love to you all,
Amy

July 26, 2012

Good Morning!

Just a quick update on Caroline.

I had an appointment with the specialist yesterday and with a happy heart I share with you that they did not find any more problems!  She had healthy growth and the doctor seemed pleased.  He said that he didn't have any reason to believe there would be any additional problems found with her heart, etc.

Please pray for her to be able to stay put as long as possible!  Because of my extra fluid, preterm labor is expected.  However, if she is too early, obviously the complications increase greatly.  In addition, pray for my body to be strong in this time.  The discomfort from the fluid is becoming a problem and I have a ways to go!  Pray for the doctors to have wisdom, skill, and knowledge as they deal with this whole situation.

Thank you so much for all of your support!  The meals are a blessing beyond belief!  I look forward to introducing this sweet baby to her amazing community of friends and family.

Love and blessings to you all...
Amy

June 28, 2012

Hey Everyone!

In an effort to keep everyone informed of our situation, I'm writing yet another email!  I hope y'all don't get sick of me!

Yesterday was another sonogram with our maternal fetal specialist.  He again was searching for any problems that Caroline might have.  He did find a couple of things this time.  First, she has some leaky valves in her heart.  Although this is very common in children with DS, we had hoped based on the last sonogram that her heart was in the clear.  Indeed, this particular problem is relatively minor compared to what many suffer with.  There is not much we can do about it except keep an eye on it.  Many people live with this condition and it's main complications seem to occur much later in life, if at all.  The second problem discovered was in her digestive area.  To get the actual name of the problem and description, you would have to ask Chad.  What I do know is that she will have to have surgery when she is born to correct the problem. As for me, we discovered that I yet again have a high amount of fluid!  This time it is because of the digestive problem that Caroline has.  The doctor explained that it will not necessarily go the way our pregnancy with Allie went (bedrest and born a month early), so again, we keep an eye on it and wait and see!

While this may all sound like bad news, I am still praising our God right now.  Why?  Because it could be so much worse!!  In the spectrum of problems they have been looking for, these are the lesser of the evils.  Plus, I am so very grateful that there is a surgery that can correct one of the problems and she will not have to suffer with it all of her life!  Thank God for His mercy!  

Please continue to pray for sweet little Caroline's health.  I pray this is the full extent of any problems, and that they would not find any more.  Pray for Chad and I as we adjust to everything.  Praise God for His love and the continued peace and joy that He gives us concerning Caroline.

Thank you so much for all of your care and concern.  We continue to be amazed by how much support we have.  Thank you to the ladies that have brought meals...I am beyond grateful and cannot express what a blessing you have been!

I continue to offer my deepest apologies for being so poor at returning phone calls or emails right now.  As every parent knows, summer is hard!  I am being pushed to my maximum capacity right now, and therefore correspondence tends to be low on the list!  However, I am so sorry if you have been hurt in any way by my negligence!  I truly apologize!

On one final note, I wanted to share with you our current stance on how to handle all of the topics surrounding Caroline with our other two children.  It is our deepest desire that Caroline is accepted and loved by AnnMarie and Allie without a preconceived idea that something is wrong with her.  We have chosen up to this point to not discuss Down Syndrome to them or any of her health issues.  They adore Caroline in mommy's tummy and I do not want that to be lost in a sea of complicated words and negative undertones.  We continue to teach them that all of us are created wonderfully, unique, and with great purpose.  They know that God made Caroline special, just as he made them special.  Until the time comes where they ask specific questions or it becomes necessary otherwise to explain the situation, this will be the route that we stay on.  Humbly, I ask that you would all take this into consideration as you come into contact with AnnMarie and Allie--especially if you have children that are their friends.

As always, I am grateful to have community to walk through this journey with.
I love you all,
Amy

May 24, 2012

Hello All!

Let me start by saying that I am completely and utterly overwhelmed by all of your love and support!  It has been amazing to read all of your emails and receive phone calls etc, full of encouragement and blessings.  I have said over and over to people, and will say again, I am blown away by God's provision.  When we left Dallas, I didn't know that we would ever have a godly community like that again.  And of course, no one could ever replace those friendships, yet we still desired deep-walkin-through-life-together-friendships here in Corpus.  We prayed and searched and were at times homesick for that old group of friends. Yet, the Lord began to plant seeds that now, over 5 years of nourishment are flourishing.  Not only that, but He has led us to a church family that is a true community of believers beyond what I have ever known.  The people at City Church have embraced us as family from day 1.  And so, as we enter this new season, I believe that God has provided solid, faithful community for such a time as this.  And I am beyond words grateful.

I continue to feel peace going into this unknown time.  Praise God for that!  Praise God for the work He continues to do in us to change our eyes to see blessings in a new way.  Pray for protection over our marriage and children as I'm sure difficult times will be coming.  Pray for Caroline--our next appointment with the specialist is May 30 and he will begin looking for problems with her heart and digestive system.  We pray for a healthy baby girl!  Pray for me to have strength to mother my other precious girls during this time when my pregnancy keeps me feeling not well.

Please continue to share these updates with others that know and are concerned/praying for all of us.  I know there are many that have followed our situation, but I don't have their email addresses.  

And finally, please accept my apology for all of the times I don't return phonecalls or emails.  I am touched deeply by each of your responses, but often am not feeling well enough to write/call back.  In addition, sometimes there are just so many responses to be made, that I cannot quickly attend to them all.  Please, please forgive me and believe that I love you and am grateful.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Much love,
Amy

May 14, 2012

Hello Everyone!

How do I begin?  First of all, I want to thank you all...I have been overwhelmed by all of your prayers and your genuine concern for me and baby.  Thank you for helping with the children and stepping up in other ways that have blessed me.  I am beyond grateful.

I feel as though there is so much to say...so much on my heart.  Please bear with me as I share it!

When the doctor called with the final lab results, I knew what it was in my heart...yet, there was still a certain amount of unbelievability to his words.  As he spoke to me, I found it difficult to grasp what he was saying.  Had I understood him correctly? 

Based on the test results and all information that we have gathered to this point, it is 99% positive that Caroline has Downs.  Is God big enough to change this outcome?  Of course!  God can and may do whatever He pleases!  If He chooses to surprise us in October with no Downs, praise Him!  But, if He chooses not to?  WE WILL PRAISE HIM!

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.  Psalm 43:5


I want to share with you a little bit of my journey through this.  I believe that God began to reveal to me that I would have a child with special needs before I was ever pregnant.  Last summer, I very much began to feel like there was another little one missing in our brood, but I was so fearful to "roll the dice" again.  We had such a "perfect" thing going...why mess it up?  I realized that I was walking in fear and not faith.  I wrestled with God through this until I finally submitted to the Truth that God is good and completely trustworthy.  Whatever He chooses--whether to give us a child or not, whether it would have a special need or not--I will trust Him.  When I found out I was pregnant, I was overcome with joy!  The pregnancy however quickly proved to be a very difficult one.  I was (and still am!) sick all of the time, and generally miserable from day one!  I began to have dreams/nightmares that would keep me up at night.  One being the face of a baby with Downs.  Interesting.  And so I again began to wrestle with God about my fears.  When the first test result came back abnormal, I grieved...I trusted, but I grieved.  When the second one came back abnormal, I grieved more.  All through this, however, I felt strongly God's presence and His peace.  My grieving did not for one minute lead to doubt in the goodness of my God.  I knew without a doubt that He is good and I could trust Him to do what was right.  My grieving was really a letting go of what I held as my picture of who my child would be.

In this time, I began to struggle with all of the waiting!  I wanted to know the results and move forward.  Some friends came over to pray with me and one said,"Yes, Amy, you don't know this outcome yet.  BUT, what do you know?  Stand firm in that!!"  Amen!  I claimed His Truth:

When you pass through the waters, 
I will be with you; 
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, 
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze. 
3 For I am the Lord your God, 
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; (Isaiah 43:2,3a)

 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,
for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  (Deut. 31:6)

The Lord covered me in His peace and lifted my heart to a place of joy and even excitement about this baby!  The Truth is that God has been so good to me.  In the midst of all of this, when my words were so few, He gave me songs to connect with Him.  One of them is "So, so good to me" that we sing at church often.  These are the lyrics:

I waited patiently upon the Lord
And He inclined and heard my cry
He pulled me up out of the miry clay
He set my feet upon the Rock
He gave me beauty for ashes and joy for my mourning
And praise for heaviness
He put a new song in my mouth and a crown upon my head
He gave me life forevermore

He’s been so good, so, so good to me; so good, so, so good to me
So good, so, so good to me, Jesus

He picked me up and He turned me around
And He placed my feet on the solid ground
Hallelujah, hallelujah

I’ve got love, joy, peace and righteousness in the Holy Spirit




The part in bold really stuck with me. I began to really praise God for this NEW SONG (Caroline) He had given me.  I began to claim:

 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord 
and put their trust in him. (Psalm 40:3)

I tell you all of this for many reasons, but one is to share with you the meaning of this sweet child's name.  From this journey of song and Scripture, the Lord led me to the meaning of Caroline...my song of joy.  Yes she is. 

From here, the journey is unknown.  But isn't it always?  It's all a walk of faith.  Whether your child has Downs or not, we trust Him to help us know what to do, right?  The one who calls you is faithful, and He will do it.(1 Thessalonians 5:24)

I believe God for great things concerning this child.  He has already used her to change me in so many ways.  I am grateful that He knows what is best, for I wouldn't have chosen this.  I am so humbly grateful that instead of leaving me in a place of comfort-seeking, He is challenging me to see life in a new way...to see blessings in a new way.  Refinement is good...hard, but good.  I want His refinement.  I don't want to live for me, myself, and I.  I want whatever He has planned..it is better. This I know. 

Thank you for allowing me to share my heart with you.  Praise God.

Please feel free to share this with others that have been concerned and praying for Caroline, as I certainly don't intend to leave anyone out, but definitely have pregnancy brain! 



Much love,
Amy

May 2, 2012

Hello Everyone!

I just wanted to update you on our sweet little baby!  Thank you all for being so diligent in prayer...they have brought me so much encouragement!  God is so good, and all that He makes is good.  We are grateful for this new life that He is knitting together! 

Today was another sonogram, and while there was a slight questionable part, it still was inconclusive.  So, due to Dr's recommendations, we did a new blood test in lieu of the amnio.  They are sending it to San Diego today for some testing, and we should find out whether this baby has Downs with 99% accuracy in 2 weeks.  We are fully trusting God to do what He knows is right for our family. 

And, what you've all been waiting for...IT'S A GIRL!!!  Sweet Caroline will greet us in October!  Continue to pray for her and us as we prepare for that special day! 

Love to you all,

Amy

--
God Bless You!

Amy Allen