When you have a
baby that is still born, you don’t get a birth certificate….or a death
certificate. Nothing. You get nothing. I’ve been pondering this a lot lately and
realizing that it has huge significance to me.
It’s as though she never existed, save in my own little world. My journey with Caroline is hugely in my own
little world. A million thoughts
pondered, a million feelings felt, a million lessons learned…but learned in the
quiet of my talks with the Father. A thousand
kicks felt, a thousand smiles smiled...but, I
realize that I am the only one who ever held her alive. Bewildering.
Oh what joy she
brought me! I’ve never experienced
pregnancy like how I experienced it with her.
This I am certain was a very real gift from the Lord. Mind you, I’ve been pregnant 2 times prior to
Caroline, and I can honestly say that I enjoyed their kicks and bumps, but I
did not feel like I knew them. I loved them, I carried them, but there was
still a lack of really enjoying them as a person, as I did once they entered
the world. It’s weird, I know, and you
may not even believe me, but I knew Caroline like that. She was fun.
She was a bundle of energy that moved in me like a pinball shot in a
pinball machine. Never a dull moment. I was always laughing with her. There was a real relationship and I was grateful for it everyday that I had her.
No time was wasted with her. Every moment was sacred ground. It's as though the Lord helped me revel in each moment with her, knowing there would not be many of them.
So you can
imagine how bizarre it is to think that no
one else knew her like that. No one
else felt her energy and her joy. It
creates an aloneness. A great part of me
that is unknown. An immense part of my
story that is unseen. A real child that
is invisible.
So I write today to introduce Caroline to you.
From the well of my soul, my heart longs for the world to know that she did exist. She was lovely. And she lives on, chasing butterflies in that
Wonderful Place.
Caroline Elise Allen
September 28, 2012
1:37 pm
6 lbs., 9 oz.
17 in.
deep blue eyes
light brown hair
a tine vertical dent on the tip of her nose
a little "kitty" tongue that stuck out just a bit
long fingernails
short little body
beautiful.
This is a beautiful tribute to our daughter. Thank you for being so transparent. I think this will bless many people like it blessed me. Keep on writing!
ReplyDeleteI am in tears and never will fully understand or know how you must feel. I think that you are such a strong beautiful woman and mother. Caroline most definitely existed. She did live and she knows you are her mommy just as she knows Chad is her daddy. You can keep her alive as you do with this. It's a lonely place no one really wants to talk about because it is so hard to see people hurt like this. I see this all the time in the NICU world. BUT she most definitely lived and I am so glad you got to experience her life within you. What a gift to "know" her that way. She will be with you all again one day and you will be able to hold her forever. She is a beautiful angel for now just waiting for your turn. God is lucky to have her for now. I am so sorry for your loss Amy. My heart aches for you and there just simply aren't the right words to say. I pray you are ok and that you have found peace. Your strength is admirable. My prayers will continue to be with you and your family as I'm sure not a day passes where there isn't pain and a feeling of loss. Love ya......Kalen
ReplyDeleteWow! Thanks for sharing. Love your words. We too experienced a stillbirth. He was my first born and we had a deep bond from the beginning as he was a miracle pregnancy. I later had 2 more boys and they are our miracles and gifts too. Our Matthew would be celebrating 13 years this Oct 6th. I will tell you it does get easier through the years but the sadness and longing to know him more is still great. Blessings to you and your beautiful family as you continue on with Gods plan for each of you. Love, Amy Cooper
ReplyDeleteSweet, sweet Amy! Thank you so much for sharing from your heart! Caroline's birthday stays on my calendar! Having two babies in heaven, I know some of what you describe, especially your desire for people to know her and remember her. As always, you and Chad are in my prayers. Hugs and much love, Sandy :)
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, that is the most amazing picture of you and Caroline! She was so beautiful and so are you!! Praying for you in this difficult journey of loss. Keep writing. It's inspiring to all of us! Love you sweet friend! Carissa
ReplyDeleteBeautiful life. Beautiful feelings. Beautifully spoken.
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